I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
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drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.