Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
japanese corn