I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’