To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold