Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.