If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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why didn鈥檛 scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I鈥檓 not in the mood anymore.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me after watching a horror movie! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
bananaphobia: when you don鈥檛 have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
media: how to watch tonight鈥檚 super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa鈥檚 got to work from home this year