never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.