My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”