GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
notice
A sick whale is called an unwhale
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes