When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
This kid is going places
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again