Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.