I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.