Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.