just make the entire table out of coaster
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The future is now.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?