him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos