[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Aaaa…CHOO!