The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.