People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”