Okay me first
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
thank god the sign was there
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Camping tip: No.