“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.