My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
You Might Also Like
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.