The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now