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*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.