Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row