He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.