“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
OMG 🤣🤣
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting