i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
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After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.