Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
i choose….tongue
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.