Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”