We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.