Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*pokes sex life with a stick
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch