all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
im all 3
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.