Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
When you pick your nose after dusting the house