I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.