Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.