My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
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The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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I gave it 3.14 stars.
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[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
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Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
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Be careful what you put out there.
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Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
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