Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza