A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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If you love someone, let them sleep.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.