Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.