Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest