I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Okey dokey.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
what it’s like dating me:
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Basketball
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.