OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.