In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect