It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Pikachu found the lost joint
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.