(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
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One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Meow
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]