Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.