The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
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the three branches of government
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming