Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
When you’re here for the treats.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells