Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
You Might Also Like
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Breaking news:
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me hitting on a model
Customer is always right
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.