If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no